There is something very strange about suddenly being exactly half deaf. I feel so off balance. Since I can’t hear as much, my brain believes that my right ear is also hard of hearing. I’m in my own little narrowed, insulated world, with my husband and children calling my name somewhere outside of it.  Also, I walk into things a lot. You wouldn’t think that your hearing has much to do with how well you can walk in a straight line, but apparently, for me at least, it does.

Anyway, that’s how I’ve felt basically all winter. Off-balance and insulated in my own world. I wouldn’t call it depression, because there was no sadness involved. But heavy, heavy stress.

This coming week is my last of relative sanity for a while, so I’m very glad that my metaphorical balance has returned even as my physical balance has taken a dump. School starts on Monday. I have a full load of five classes. It was six, but sometime last week it finally hit me that I was really going to sign with a literary agent (really, really, really) and that revisions on my book would be necessary and due on a time line that was not only mine. So I dropped a writing-about-literature class.

I’m pretty sure I can finagle a credit for that class from my work at Goddard anyway.

I am so excited about school. And so excited about working on my book with an agent. And so excited about joining a gym with a pool as soon as my financial aide disburses. (Next week!) So excited about not being afraid of being homeless. We made it through the winter. The off-balance, insulating fear that came with deep poverty is just about gone. There is light on our horizon. (I’m sure I could think of at least a  dozen more metaphors, but I’ll spare you. You’re welcome!)

I want to thank you all again for being incredible. Never giving up on me, even when I wasn’t writing here as much as I wanted to. Even when stress made me boring when I did write. You are my heroes. (Yes, you.) I promise, things are going to pick up here very, very soon. My inner defiant athlete has been hibernating a little lately, but she’s waking up.

XOXOX

I’ve started a Tumblr where I’ll talk about my writing. I started it with a post about my hunt for an agent. (We’re going on a bear hunt. We’re gonna catch a big one. . .) On Monday, I’ll post about the agent that I picked! I’ve put a link on the right side bar.

I had written a novel. There is really no way to adequately describe how that felt.

After Ruby was born, I went online and found a writing website. And on that website I found Melanie Harvey. Sometimes providence just works that way. Sometimes you run into the exact right person at exact right time. She had a novel that was in considerably better shape that Devil You Don’t. We took about a year and traded chapters. We sent them back to each other bleeding red revisions.

I learned how to write with that novel, and with the help of the world’s most amazing critique partner. And best of all, I got to read her book. It’s called Nobody’s Hero and it remains one of the best books I have ever read. I’m not saying that because I worked with Melanie on it, or because she’s my friend. I am biased (how could I not be?), but I’m also being completely honest. This book? It totally rocks.

And because today is Melanie’s birthday, she’s giving it away on Kindle for free through Amazon. Free. A really great, free book. I’m not sure there is anything more beautiful than that in the Milky Way. Not only that, but she’s very close to breaking the Amazon top 100 for free downloads, which is a huge deal. So, if you’re so inclined, let’s help her out, huh?

Click on the cover below and download Nobody’s Hero.

Here’s the blurb for it to help you make your decision:
When Rick Ranière, an underground white rapper with misogynistic tendencies—and the songs to prove it—runs into Carolyn Coffman, the best-selling biracial author of Fighting the Pheromone Factor, he knows she’s like no woman he’s ever met. Carolyn knows she really needs to stay upwind.

But the canyons of Manhattan keep shifting the breeze—and Rick’s policy of never trusting a woman. In the end, Rick’s only female fan who refuses to sleep with him might just have the answer to his writer’s block, and the man who sounds all wrong might just be everything Carolyn ever wanted.

When an unexpected burst of publicity lands Rick on the iTunes’ charts and brands Carolyn a hypocrite to her readers, she can either save her career or this relationship. When you got a choice, Rick had told her, you really ought to make the right goddamn one.

Or you could lose everything you ever wanted.

Let me revise that, actually. I enjoyed learning to run. Going slow and feeling my lungs and heart strengthen. That was big fun. Training for a major, long-distance race six months from now isn’t right for me. For me. I’m well aware that some people can do it. Some people adapt to running faster, or are built for it, or whatever.

So, I’m not running in the RTO this year after all. Because my priority is feeling good, and when erratic energy levels joined not being able to move, feeling good was no where to be found. I think part of that has to do with trying to run too much, too soon. I have to take it slower, even if not everyone understands that. Also, I want time to swim and lift weights, maybe take up belly dancing or fencing or start getting in shape enough for roller derby now that I have health insurance, and those things are hard to do if I cannot move my body.

Here’s what I have going on this spring: A full load of college classes, revisions to my novel, and my job. It is important to me to fit being an athlete in there. Remember this time last year, when this stuff was fun? Somewhere along the way, it’s lost its fun. It became grueling and a responsibility that meant more than my body’s limitations. It became about me ignoring how much I was hurting and pushing forward because it was I expected it of myself.

Quitting the RTO was a gut-wrenching choice that didn’t go very well and resulted in hurt feelings and awkwardness that I sincerely hope dissipate soon.  The fact is: no one lives in my body but me. No one but me knows exactly how much running hurt or how my energy level started getting erratic when I ran or whether or not I’ll even be capable of running 18 miles in a day in June.

And if I say I need to slow down or back off something, it’s a safe bet that I really do need to slow down or back off.

I am a defiant athlete. Movement and training and physicality are fun, not something I can barely get through.

I am a defiant athlete. I listen to my body and take its messages seriously. If something hurts more than it feels good, something is wrong.

I am a defiant athlete. I move forward in athleticism at my own pace, pushing myself in a way that works for me.

I am a defiant athlete, and for a minute there, I almost forgot.

Yeah. That’s what this week has been like for me.

Because last Friday a literary agent offered to represent me and my novel, Freaks and the Revolution. We talked on the phone for an hour. And then on Sunday? Another literary agent offered representation. There are still fifteen agents reading. They have until Friday to decide if they want to offer as well.

And then I  choose. Which is scary and wonderful and terrible and amazing all rolled into one.

More on Monday about this.

* * *

In other news, my ob/gyn says she thinks I have PCOS. While I don’t have the traditional symptoms of missed periods, fertility problems and male-pattern hair growth, I do have many of the other symptoms. Including, she says, insulin resistance. So she gave me Metformin, to help regulate my blood sugar. And my regular doctor put me on a very low dose thyroid medicine. Both recommend I eat more protein and less carbs, to help with my blood sugar regulation as well.

My ob/gyn also had some ideas for managing my super heavy, miserable periods. She looked at my blood tests and said that while the iron I take is keeping me from being fully anemic, my red blood cells are puny (her word) because I lose so much blood every month. First step is a pelvic ultrasound (fun stuff…not) then possibly a minor surgery. I was really afraid of a hysterectomy, which is what my mom had when her periods were just like mine in her early 40s. There is a procedure that doesn’t require hormone replacement now.

I’ve been so out of it–health wise, stress wise–the last month or six weeks. I’m ready to get back to feeling good again. I went to the doctor today (again…I swear, I feel like I’m just moving in) and the surgery site in my ear is infected. It hurts, I’m off balance, I can’t hear out of my left ear at all, and all this weird gunk keeps draining out. Not fun. I’m not sure I would have had that stupid mole removed if I knew how uncomfortable the healing process would be.

I had my very first mammogram yesterday. It wasn’t as physically uncomfortable as I expected. No serious squeezing or compressing. There is the whole stranger-manhandling-the-boobies thing to deal with, but all-in-all, it wasn’t a bad experience. Since my ENT is in the same building, I stopped by and they gave me my results: clean boob bill of health. Such a relief. I didn’t expect to be so affected by the result, but I was.

Thursday I go back to discuss my blood sugar, thyroid and the rest of my blood tests with my regular doctor. I’ll keep you all posted.

P.S. Three more agents asked for my full manuscript today! That’s 24 total. So much fun!

The First Annual Virtual Juicy 5K!

I’ll be back after my 5K is finished this afternoon to write about it.

When you’re done with yours, leave a comment and tell us how it went! Anyone can join in, even if you didn’t sign up. Just get out there and move!

**UPDATE**

Well. I walked a mile.

Not quite a 5K, but a good example that we all do what we can do.

I had surgery on my ear this week, and walking makes it hurt. Don’t ask me how walking affects my ear, but it does. Long way from me feet, right?

So, I did what I could. And that my friends–that is the entire point.

Happy New Year!!!

In the past, I’ve had complicated resolutions that involved outlines, month-by-month plans and elaborate record keeping schemes to organize my resolutions.

What they boiled down to for years was:

1. Write a novel.

2. Get my house organized.

3. Lose weight. (Usually 100 pounds. Nice round number, right?)

Well, guess what?

I wrote two novels in 2011.

I married a man who loves to do the dishes last decade.

And this year, I finally realized that losing weight isn’t something that my body does.

It has nothing to do with resolve or will-power or laziness or gluttony.

My body is wired in such a way that it hangs on to weight, insulates itself with lots of padding and does not let it go.

Oddly enough, I know this without a doubt because my one resolution in 2011 was to stop dieting, and starting moving my body out of a desire for athleticism.

Guess what. Like it or not, if you’re going to lose weight, starting to eat intuitively and adding a lot of exercise to your week is going to make it happen, one way or the other. It did not happen for me. I weight just about exactly what I did a year ago. I can run a mile and a half now, when just walking to the end of my street was an ordeal then. And I have a much healthier relationship with food now. But I still weigh just about 340 pounds.

This year, I still have just one goal. It’s kind of a continuation of last year’s resolution. I want to feel good. Not just better, I mean really good.

I have a doctor’s appointment on Thursday of next week to go over my blood test results. She marked ‘borderline’ on my thyroid test, so I’m going to push for her to help me figure out if that’s part of why I almost never feel really good. My blood sugar is not under control. The day of my blood test, it was 32. Two weeks later my period started it was right at 200 (upper limit) for most of a week, and then crashed through the floor again.

I have six months to train for the Reno/Tahoe Odyssey. Kevin’s training with me, which is the most exciting thing ever. This is going to be fun. Really fun.

2012 is the year I figure out how to feel good. I got a lot closer in 2011, but I’m still not there 100 percent. Still tired most of the time. Still have less stamina and strength than I should. I’m on my way, though.

I have a writing goal, too. everything in me wants to say “get published this year,” but I won’t. Because I don’t have any control over whether or not I do. Not really. I’ve sent my novel, FREAKS AND THE REVOLUTION, out to a bunch of agents. So far, 18 have requested the manuscript. That’s–well, it’s so exciting that there aren’t even words for it. The waiting is killing me. Today I got back an extensive letter telling me why an agent wasn’t offering representation that had an offer to read if I made the revisions. That’s a step in the right direction. (Very, very close…but still, alas, no cigar.)

My writing goal is this then: to write here about writing more. Once a week, at least. I thought about starting another blog, but the truth is that this is my bloggy home, and I don’t want another one. I also want to start writing reviews of the books I read. Of course, I’m saying that three weeks before school starts and time for pleasure reading ends until summer.  But, still. Those are my goals as far as writing is concerned.

So, resolutions circa 2012:

1. Feel better

2. Write more about writing

What’s on your list?

Okay, my pretties. It’s time to put your name in the hat!

The First Annual Juicy Virtual 5K takes place anytime on Dec. 31.

Your mission, should you accept it, is to move your body 3.1 miles anyway that feels good to you. Walk, jog, run, bike, treadmill, elliptical, wheel yourself in your chair, skip, hop, whatever works for you.

Wait–I hear you out there saying, “but what if I can’t move my body 3.1 miles in any fashion.”

Can you move two miles? How about one? Find a high school and walk the length of the football field. Walk to the corner of your street and back.

Your mission is to move. Your mission is to do a little more than you think you can. Move just a little faster for just 30 seconds during your own personal 5K (whatever that looks like.) Go a little further toward a true 5K than you thought you could. Even if it’s just a few steps.

2011 was all about finding our internal athletes. Our defiant athletes. And letting them out to play. That’s what the Juicy Virtual 5K is really about. Play. Fun. Feeling good.

So, leave a message on this post. Let us know you’ll be joining in. What will your 5K look like?

I’ll go first:

My 5K is going to be a walk along the Truckee River. I’m going for a full 3.1 miles.

Were you worried about that?

If you were, I’m so sorry.

I get in these overwhelmed funks. Maybe this will be the year when I figure out what causes them and can learn to manage them? They don’t feel like depression. Just–exhaustion. And an inability to spread myself any thinner.

Two days ago I had a jelly bean-sized mole removed from the inside of my left ear. I’m not a wuss when it comes to stuff like this, but the pain yesterday was pretty intense. I think I was in shock–chills, shaking, everything–until the hydrocodone kicked in and saved me. Then I slept. All day, all night.

I see my doctor again on January 7. It will be interesting to see what she has to say about my blood tests. I’m a little bit on pins and needles.

I’m better today, and I’m sure I’ll be even better tomorrow. And when I can hear well out of my left ear for the first time since the 1980s, it will be wonderful. But in the meantime–youch.

I’ll have my financial aide from school in about two weeks. We made it. You helped us make it through the last couple of months. The gratitude and awe I feel at your generosity has changed my life.

My big plans for the first annual Juicy New Year’s Eve 5K have kind of fizzled. I’m so sorry for that. But I’m still in. I’ll probably have to walk it, but I will walk it. Tomorrow I’ll post a sign-in post so we can all get excited!

I want to get back to writing something other than updates, so here’s what I plan on for the last few days of 2011:

1. A sign in post for the 5K.

2. A resolution post, because you all know how big I am on resolutions! And just plans for the blog for 2012.

3. A writing post, because I have some kind of big things happening and I’m really wanting to share them with you.

Hold me to those, okay? If I don’t pop them out on a pretty timely basis over the next few days–come after me with a wet noodle or something!