Ragen at Dances with Fat has a really great post up today wherein she talks about how no matter what she does, there are some people to whom she can never prove her athleticism and dancing ability. And so she’s not going to try anymore. The line that struck me the hardest was this one:
I’ve said before that I’m much more concerned with fat people realizing that they deserve respect than with other people realizing that fat people deserve respect.
Last week someone emailed me. She said that she’s teaching a class of some kind and wondered if I would be willing to share some of the negative comments she was sure I’ve filtered from my blog. I guess I thought of that email when I read Ragen’s post, because the email was addressed to both her and I and sent to both of us.
I haven’t actually gotten any comments that were too negative or mean to post. I’ve only had one that was negative at all, and that was from a man who was respectful enough that I actually let his post through so it could be discussed.
I’ve worried over the last months that I’m only preaching to the choir. It’s great to connect with and write for people who are already aware of HAES and body acceptance. But I want to change people’s minds! I want to be a crusader! Am I making a difference if no one is disagreeing with me?
I post here, on BlogHer, on Shameless and Fierce Fatties and on Facebook. As far as I know there are no random people leaving negative comments anywhere. I’ve had some weirdness from family members, but that’s about it.
Ragen has me thinking though. Is it all that necessary to reach so hard for those who don’t get it? If what I have to say or what I’m doing as an athlete in some way helps people realize that they deserve respect–then that’s enough. I’ve never really thought about it before, but it really is enough.
Now that Kevin has joined the gym, when we go it’s very noticeable. Kevin, Albert and I all weigh more than 300 pounds. Another friend, David, almost always comes along. He’s probably somewhere at the top of the normal weight for his height. But there are four of us. And we have fun. We laugh a lot. We cheer each other on.
People have started commenting on it. Mostly in a positive way. Mostly in the ‘you’re such an inspiration’ way, which is usually followed by a question about weight loss. None of us has lost more than five pounds. My standard answer to “how much weight have you lost” is: None, but I can do 40 pull-ups and bench press 100 pounds.
It isn’t always easy. Because I want my body to change. I can’t turn that off. What I can do is temper that desire by reminding myself that my body is changing–just not in the way I thought it might. I’m noticeably stronger. My functional stamina is greatly improved.
I don’t get negative comments here. What I do get are people who read my blog (or see me at the gym) who tell me that they’re inspired to do start moving. To do something they didn’t think they could do. I get comments from people who want to be defiant athletes. And that makes me so happy, I can’t even put it into words.
* * *
We’re moving in a month. I have been so incredibly over run with trying to earn enough money to facilitate that move, staying on top of training and packing that I’m not posting here like I want to. I’ve dropped the ball on my training log, for instance, just because I have to prioritize. Things will get back to normal in August. I promise.
Bear with me, never posted on a HAES site so please let me know if I have been innapropriate in any language or thoughts.
But – just so you know that your writing has impact…
I work in an industry where I am bombarded by images about women’s body ideals on a daily basis. I often run into models in the elevator and I see real life examples of “perfection” daily. Although I am really fit and my body is a size does fall into what society considers acceptable, every once in awhile I get fixated on losing 20 pounds or so, just because I do want to fit into those little jeans, and I do like the way being on the verge of skinny feels. And yeah, I confess, I like that it easily gets me that little bit of extra attention from the cute guys.
That being said, a few months ago I started reading your blog, along with those of a few other HAES supporters daily to keep myself in check. To remind me that living my life to the fullest means NOT wasting valuable time thinking negative things about myself. It reminds me to focus on health and how I feel… because I don’t feel great when I binge on candy and that has nothing to do with my size. It reminds me that I am strong… I can run a 10k with barely any training and I play hockey, do hot Yoga, play volleyball, walk everywhere – so why would I think that this body isn’t good enough? It reminds me that even though I tend to be rather judgmental about myself, the most interesting, charismatic and beautiful people I know are not the skinny ones who spend a lot of time thinking about size. I think that size now plays a much smaller role in what I find attractive. I am more aware of the fat fear and hatred that permeates everything and I have begun bringing this up and not accepting the little comments that we hear everyday about fat. And I’m trying not to use my general thin-ness as a privilege. I believe that reading HAES blogs regularly is really helping me recalibrate my visceral reactions to fat little by little (intellectually I’m there, just waiting for my gut to catch up if that makes sense).
So thanks. Keep writing. I will keep reading.
Good luck with your move.
-Steph
Twitter @stephmarshall
Steph–this comment absolutely made my day. I’m grinning from ear to ear on my way out to the gym. You are wonderful, and I’m so happy that my blog has inspired you in any way. I can’t believe how happy it makes me that someone in your industry gets it.
Shawna, you are so inspiring! I want to change my body too (I have medium-size breasts and a big tummy and I want large breasts and a small tummy) but still believe in HAES. My family gets that weight is primarily genetic but still get on my case from time to time about my weight. I am the biggest person in my family at 308 pounds. Ideally, I’d like to be at my high school weight: 214 but have accepted as fact that I may never reach that. I try to watch what I eat but I when I get stressed out, I turn to comfort food such as fast food and lately, carrot cake at this cafe. I noticed that you go to Goddard and I went to Goddard too but I had to leave as I was having “problems.” I just want you to know that you are not alone and sometimes, with some people, no matter what, you can’t change them! They have to figure it out for themselves. Keep writing and stay strong!
On the Dances with Fat post, I really liked the quote: “I was spending a lot of my time trying to prove things to people for whom I have no respect.” I think that is spot on, at least in my experience.
I like your blog. I used to be a defiant athlete, too (about 2 years ago). I spent around 2 hours in the gym each day to be able to reach certain fitness goals. At first, it was because they were required in order for me to be able to take a job in which I theoretically needed to be able to defend myself and/or flee (it turns out the job actually consists mostly of paper-pushing and laundering information). After I reached these goals, I set soem goals of my own, having to do with strength and endurance. I was FAT at the time (approx. a size 20). Everytime I would go into the gym (in West LA), people would talk to me about my “weight loss.” While I would have welcomed weight loss (and did expect it, though it never came), that was not why I was there, and it really bothered me that no one could look past that and consider that I might be pursuing other goals. They would see me running, walking stairs, doing push ups, lifting weights… getting stronger and stronger and fitter and fitter (cardiovascularly), but all they could comment on was: why wasn’t I losing weight? It is as if nothing else mattered so long as I was still fat.
I love your answer to the ‘how much weight have you lost’ question. I really admire what you are doing. So many people, myself included, have abandoned athleticism when it did not make them thin. I love that there is freedom and joy in your goals and not the usual punishment mentality of exercise for weight loss only. And I sympathize with you for still wishing your body would change. I feel the same way, even though I know I am worth just as much as a human being no matter my size. I would like to get back to doing athletic pursuits, but I have not been well lately.
Also, are you the one with the beautiful yellow bike? I want that bike! Can you let me know where you got it? Thanks!
That is me
The bike is a newsgirl from Worksman. If you google “newsgirl worksman,” you’ll get it. Make sure to get the extra big seat — cause, gosh, comfy.
I feel the same way about my blogging, but I haven’t gotten any negative/troll comments either. I think when you present yourself as open/honest/positive it’s extra hard for people to try to invade that space. Just a thought. And we don’t know if we’re changing minds or not. Certainly not everyone comments. So many readers compared to actual commenters. I think we all make a difference.
I’ve never gotten trolls, just a few people who wanted me to push their weight-loss products. I also have one reader who’s so libertarian she once wrote me a long screed on the dangers of universal health care and how the US is starting to look like Weimar Germany–something I actually agree with, except that I think she’s the one on the side of the Brownshirts!
I must say, though, that I am very careful about posting comments on the blogs of certain people. I had a nasty habit of reading a blogger who I call a “gonzo starver”–someone who touts ultra-fast weight loss through an extremely restrictive and restricted diet. He always goes on about people who don’t agree with him; he’s demeaning, insulting and downright scary. He’ll post the URL of the people he’s hating on so that his zombie followers can go and hate on the blogger themselves. One of the smartest, most thoughtful bloggers I have ever read had the temerity to respond to him once and he ended up literally hounding her off the Internet.
Interestingly, he has recently made his blog “by invitation only”, which is a great thing as fewer innocent and naive people will accidentally find it and get lured into his nasty and ultimately dangerous fantasy about weight loss. It’s also a good thing for me, as I had a slight addiction to reading his drivel and now no longer can!
Love your blog. Keep up the good work.
You are lucky to not get negative comments (or trolling and out and out hatred) here. I certainly am not spared that in my blog, or any of my other online sites.
I don’t see it as preaching to the choir. I see fat activism as being visible, being audible, being tangible to the world at large (no pun intended!) when many would silence and hide us. Not only to normalise the voice and sight of fat people, but also to reach out to those who are suffering as we have suffered in the past.
I can’t imagine what would have happened to me if I hadn’t stumbled into the fatosphere. It’s highly likely that I wouldn’t be here today. That’s why it’s important to keep doing what you do.
You have definitely inspired me and helped me keep my focus on the true goals of HAES. I am not currently an athlete (I’ve never actually used that word to describe myself.) I was a dedicated yogi for years and loved it but I have gotten away from that and almost all other regular challenging physical activity. Reading your posts has made me start thinking about how to get that back. Thank you for writing and sharing so much of your journey.
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Thank you for this post, which was part of the inspiration for a post I just wrote. Thank you also for being part of helping me to get back into a gym for the first time in 8 years and really loving it!
You are SO welcome. And thank you for telling me this. It absolutely made my day.